I was told recently in a counselling session that there is a direct link between low self esteem and anxiety. I have been told MANY things about anxiety over the years, and at first, this statement went in one ear and out the other. I thought, “yeah, I know, I know. If I had more confidence I would be a stronger person, blah blah, blah”. Truthfully, I did not think about it again.
Cut to 3 week later, at my next counselling session. I was asked if I had done any of the recommended reading concerning self esteem and anxiety. “Um, I downloaded the book?” This was, apparently, not good enough.
So, a couple of days ago, I forced myself to sit down and start reading “Honouring the Self” by Nathaniel Branden. What I can tell you is this: I probably should have started to read the book when I was first told to read the damn book (sidebar: procrastination and anxiety are also linked- shocking, right?). In Branden’s words, “to feel that I am significantly devoid of efficacy and worth is almost inevitably to experience life as frightening”.
Of course, I already knew that life can be scary when you suffer from anxiety. But why? What can this fear be traced back to? Then, it hit me. Life is scary because my low self esteem is telling me that I am not capable of making choices for myself and my loved ones because I am not smart enough. It is telling me that I am not safe because I cannot be relied on as a competent adult to keep myself safe.
It seems pretty obvious to me, now. If I don’t trust myself enough to make smart choices, or to be able to handle myself in hard situations, what else am I supposed to feel? Of course I will feel terrified and anxious. My low esteem supports my fear and my fear is answered by my low self esteem. A vicious circle.
So, I am going to keep reading the damn book. One chapter at a time, just like my life.